The Twelve Days of Christmas... Kinda

Hard to imagine, but Christmas is right around the corner.  If you're like me, you're thinking, "Where'd the year go?" or "Looks like I beat Harold in the Annual Not-Gonna-Die Pool."  But anyway.

Since there are 12 days left until Christmas (as of 12/13/11), I figured I'd give my own rendition of The Twelve Days of Christmas.  Each day I'll add one more... granted I'm still around.  

♫ On the 12th day of Christmas myself gave to me... ♫

... 12 Scoops of gravy

... 11 Clap-Ons clapping

... 10 Pills a popping

... 9 Ladies cleaning

... 8 Boxes of bacon

... 7 Speedos sporting

... 6 Naps a taking

... 5 GOLDEN TEETH

... 4 Walker wheels

... 3 Belgian waffles

... 2 purples gloves

... And a bagel with veggie cream cheese 

(to be continued...)

Wall St & Pies

The news keeps showing throngs of people waiting for oreo pie on Wall Street.  I can’t help but think, “Just give the people what they want!  Isn’t there another chef in Manhattan who can make extra oreo pies?”

However, this has also rekindled my love of pies.  What’s not to like?  The flakey crust.  The gooey middle.  The whipped cream on top.  Honestly, there’s nothing more American than taking a perfectly healthy fruit and turning it into a toxic concoction that leads to angioplasty.

Best thing about pies is they’re diverse – they’re not limited to just fruit.  Love nuts?  There’s walnut or pecan pie.  Prefer a smooth texture?  There’s several meringue and cream pies.  Looking for a hearty meal?  There’s even the shepherd’s and chicken pot pie! 

There’s a lesson we can all learn from here – pies have no boundaries… only crusts.

List of Independence

The 4th of July may be my favorite holiday.  Not only are fireworks are legal, they're highly encouraged.  You can't drive a block without seeing a tent offering 2-for-1 or 3-for-1.  It's basically Christmas for legalized small explosives.  Plus, I can restock my cat hunting arsenal with bottle rockets and Roman candles. 

Obviously, the 4th commemorates the day when the United States of America announced its freedom from England.  Along those same lines, I thought this year we, as true Americans, need to declare our independence from the following: 

1. President Obama 
2. Skim milk
3. Jay Leno
4. Smart cars
5. Debt to China
6. Yogurt
7. Hairdryers
8. V-neck t-shirts
9. Keith Olbermann
10. MSNBC

Join me my fellow countrymen.  What would you want to declare independence from?

The Forgotten Tool

Nowadays men's hair care is given more attention than in the past.  It may not look it though, given all the 'messy' and 'bed-head' hairdos.  Shoot, look at that mop-headed boy Justin Bieber.  His entire career was launched by that bouffant atop his head.  Ridiculous. 

Conversely, there was tool in the days of yore every gentleman possessed that has since been forgotten - the comb.  

A fine gentleman's tool.

Unfortunately, the generation now appears unable to grasp the ample benefits the comb provides.  Parting the hair just so, no rogue strand sticking up.  Using it to evenly spread the right amount of pomade.  Ah, what a treat.

Clark Gable - no stranger of the comb

It was preposterous for a man to use a brush in my day.  That was a tool designated for women.  A  brush couldn't be carried in your back pocket.  Only a comb could, thus part of it's appeal.

Remember the comb - a true American gentleman's tool.  Hold to it with vigor.

Ode to Mr. Tony

There are few things and even fewer people that grab my attention.  Look, I'm old.  If it requires effort or time, I'm not doing it.  Those are two commodities that in which I don't have a surplus.  Some people don't understand this concept whatsoever, but there is one I felt who did - Tony Kornheiser, a.k.a. Mr Tony.

Now, some of you may have no idea of Mr. Tony is and some of you may know he's the old fart on Pardon the Interruption ("PTI").  Others may know him as the former cranky windbag on Monday Night Football who got kicked to the curb after only one season.  Whatever the case, I don't care.  I like him, and that's all that matters.

And Mr. Tony expresses that same self-centered sentiment on his DC radio show.  Movies, local news, and even the weather forecast are discussed as they pertain to Mr. Tony.  Major thunderstorms predicted in DC?  No concerns about flooding, but will he still be able to play golf.  Latest comic book movie?  Doesn't care about that utter garbage.  Latest news story involving chimps and monkeys?  Now THAT he likes!  Who doesn't!? 

Unfortunately, his contract with the radio station limits the number shows he can do.  He is reaching that mark, so he is off air this week (more about that here).  It can't be!  Who impressed him at the GOP debates?  How can he tell everybody Lebron James choked like a gagging dog?  Or give praise to Jason Kidd's decaying carcass?  Who does he have winning the US Open?  I need to hear him on his topics.

I want him back.  My attention awaits.

- OMP

Welcome... But Not Really

I know what you're thinking:  Really?  A blog?  From an old man?  I had that exact same thought.

That's when it hit me.  Blogs have really spanned generations.  Cavemen inked caves to document their lives.  Romans used papyrus.  Pilgrims used parchment.  Secretaries used typewriters.  See? 

Looking back, my first blog post was back in the 3rd grade, Mrs. Youngworth's class.  I wrote a note to Ethel McGee about the high quality trousers my Aunt Binona made.  Mrs. Youngworth intercepted the note and posted it on the chalkboard so everybody could see.  She was trying to make an example of me, but I was proud of my work, my first post in essence.

Now we've progressed.  We have computers and the interwebs.  I've rolled with the times too - I now dictate my thoughts and then Birget, my Swedish housekeeper, types them into the computer so you can read.

I know you'll enjoy.  If a bunch of hen-clucking housewives can blog, I can do it a hundred times better.

- OMP